My Heaven
by FloralFlowers
Summary: My own interpretation of how season 11/the entire series should end as of this moment in time. Amara and Lucifer are gone after one final battle that takes Castiel as well. Dean gives Castiel his final goodbye.


The bodies of Amara and Jimmy Novak lay lifeless at the feet of the Winchester brothers. Lucifer had gone into battle head on, underestimating God's sister, and overestimating himself. Lucifer and Amara went down together in a fantastic show of force; taking Castiel along with them as an unwilling passenger. Sam and Dean had tried to intervene, but when two holy forces of destruction cross paths it is safer to keep a distance. The boys couldn't escape being affected by the blast, though. They stood, beaten and bloodied, looking over the now empty vessels. They took a few moments to let the scene sink in, and when it finally had something deep in Dean snapped. He sprinted towards Cas' once occupied body, hoping, praying, there would still be a light on inside. He collapsed to his knees next to his friend.

"Cas! Cas, buddy, please be in there."

Sam watched on from where he stood. Tears welled in his eyes.

"Hey, hey, hey. Don't leave me. You can't leave me," Dean grasped onto the dirty trench coat with everything he had in him. "Cas…"

What followed was a long pause.

Dean sat back on his heels, sight blinded by tears. He turned his face towards to skies. "This wasn't how it supposed to be! Why would you keep sending us back to each other only to rip him away in your fucking sibling rivalry?! Tell me! God, _tell me!_ "

Through a breaking, choked voice Dean addressed Castiel again. "I need you here, Cas. I'm always so scared without you. I never prayed, Cas, hell, I didn't even believe there were angels. I never believed in a heaven, at least not one for me. But you defied everything I knew. And maybe I still don't believe anything good could be waiting for me after I'm gone, but you were my Heaven. And I never told you. I never told you how amazing you were, and I don't think you ever even knew how much you were to me. You are a part of me, Cas. And now that part is gone, and honestly," he laid a hand softly on Castiel's cold face. "I don't know how to live without it—without you. Oh god, I'm so scared, Cas.

"I need you to come back now, okay? I need you. I've always needed you. I was just too afraid to admit it. Because you're, you're a goddamn _angel_ for fucks sake. You're strong, yet gentle. You're loving and wonderful. You're powerful. You're brave, you were so brave. You were everything I've ever wanted, Cas. You were everything I was too afraid to have. I don't deserve you. I never deserved you. And now you're gone." Dean's fingers played over the red stained blue tie, straightening it one last time. "Why did you have to be so stupid, Cas? We could have fought this together. We've always made it through together. What happened? Could you not see how much I needed you? How much I—how much I," by now tears streamed seamlessly down his cheeks, dampening his shirt as well as Castiel's. "loved you. Because I did, I do. God, Cas, I love you so much. I always have and I always will. Fuck, Cas. You can't be gone. I need you to wake up now. Maybe I'm just being selfish, now, I mean, you're human, right? So you've got your own personal wonderland up there. But I don't even care. Just this once, Cas, please. Just one more miracle. Just for me."

Dean broke down, falling straight onto Castiel's chest, his tears mixing with Jimmy's blood. Sam tried to pull himself together enough to be a rock for his older brother. Tears still running down his face he went forward and knelt next to him, placing an arm around his brother's back. "It'll be okay, Dean. It always is."

"You don't understand Sammy," Dean replied, words almost inaudible. "I love him. I love him."

The day of the funeral was dark and raining, as if even God himself was mourning the death of his son. There were no words spoken that day. Sam and Dean had gathered the kindling in silence, lit the match in silence, watched as the flamed consumed all they had left of their friend in silence. Sam had tried to put together a eulogy the night before, but nothing felt right. Cas wasn't just a friend, he was family. How could they possibly apologize for allowing him to die? So they stayed in silence.

The bunker felt impossibly empty. Laughter didn't echo off the walls, the flutter of wings couldn't be heard. The kitchen didn't smell of freshly made dinner or even takeout. Instead, it reeked of guilt and alcohol. Dean sat at the end of the table, head in his hands, surrounded by empty cans, bottles, and shot glasses. Occasionally, he would curse the skies, curse himself, or just curse in general. He had lost him, and he was never coming back.

That night his room was too empty. The shadows in his room made him feel too small, too alone; so he got up and went down the hall to Cas' room. The door creaked open, and despite Lucifer keeping him from the bunker for weeks, the room still looked like it had been recently lived in. His fingers trailed along blankets that lay ruffled on his bed until it hit Castiel's phone. He picked it up and unlocked the screen to find a small arrangement of apps, several missed calls from Sam and himself, and a background picture of Dean and Cas. Dean smiled softly as he remembered the angel trying to figure out how to work the front facing camera. After a few attempts he had excitedly ran to Dean, grabbing him close and exclaiming "Let's take a selfie!" And how could Dean refuse?

Dean sent the picture to his own phone and then sat it down on the nightstand. He sat down on the edge of the bed, head resting in his hands, elbow resting on his knees.

"hey there, Cas. I don't know if you can hear me anymore, but… but I miss you. And I really wish you could be here with me."

He thought about adding more, but he was just so exhausted. So he curled up on Cas' bed and fell asleep.

Some time went by before Dean finally got his dying wish—to go out guns a blazin' at the hands of a monster. Billie greeted him as an old friend. Dean braced himself for an infinity of Hell, but much to his surprise, she lead up him to the pearly gates, and unlocked his Heaven.

Dean blinked in the change of light, looking around to figure out where his Heaven was. He found himself standing in the bunker. It smelled of home and for the first time in a long time, it didn't feel empty. He smiled to himself and found himself standing in front a fully stocked fridge. His favorite beer was front and center, so he grabbed on and relaxed at the long table, where not too long ago he was drinking for a different reason entirely. Dean leaned back, hands behind his head. He decided he could get used to this new life. He didn't feel sad anymore, just happiness, relaxed. He started to close his eyes when he heard someone clear their throat behind him.

Cas stood in the doorway, smiling that little half smile, arms spread open inviting Dean to come closer. Dean could hardly believe his eyes. After so long of coming to terms with the fact he'd never look into those piercing blue eyes again, never hear that voice again, there he was, alive and in the flesh.

Castiel's gravelly voice cracked a little as he spoke to Dean for the first time since Lucifer's cage.

"I love you, too."


End file.
